I was hoping to slowly immerse myself into this new position. I was not expecting the time commitment. I was especially not expecting the exhaustion that comes with it. Creating schedules, finding people who are dependable and reliable. It’s not manual labor so I thought it would be an easy task. I was wrong. So wrong. I am constantly concerned I will screw up or create an unhappy team. I don’t want an unhappy team. I want an encouraged and well rested team. A team that knows how much I love them and appreciate their time, their energy, their talents, and their patience. I want this team to know I am right beside them, both physically and in prayer.
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love this. I love everything about it. It was just a massive wake up call like an ice cold bucket of water was dumped on my head. Maybe it’s me? Maybe I’m just getting frustrated so easily because I’m exhausted and I’m working outrageously insane hours. Or maybe I’m not cut out for this.Maybe someone else would be more experienced for this. Maybe I’m not that person. I tell myself these lies right before my eyes shut for the fifth night in a row of three hours of sleep.
I am cut out for this. I am good at this. Yes, there are a million things I need to work on, but that doesn’t mean my gifts aren’t useful in this position. It doesn’t mean I am not flourishing and growing. I’m made for this. I need to stop believing the lies. I need to take a step back and realize this is a growing period for me. A painful growing period, but it’s much needed growth nonetheless. This will be significant growth. I will be learning patience, problem solving, and finding joy in crappy situations. It’s just what I need. Especially right now. I need to be more patient and more joyful.
I should rephrase that: it’s easy to appear patient and joyful. I do it everyday. 24/7 that’s me. Smiling on the outside, strong, tough, and happy. But on the inside I’m dying. I’m on fire. I’m in chronic pain, filled with anxiety, and worried it’s showing through my fake smile. I don’t want to appear as weak as I am, but sometimes it’s a struggle to constantly keep it all together.
But this will teach me about genuine joy. Being intentionally joyful. Happiness and patience without the facade of fake bologna. So bring it on because I am so ready for this character development. I am ready to be transformed because the Lord is with me and He has me in His awesome hands. This is His plan, and I am hoping I bring Him joy with my actions, thoughts, prayers, and words.
Because when it all comes down to it – this all is His. I have no need to worry, for this day is His, this plan is His, this position is His. It is all His.