I was reminded last weekend of how painful testimonies are used by Jesus for good. I play it safe in church, I’ve been burned so many times I try not to dive deep in my relationships with my team or with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I serve. I smile. I go home. I thought I was doing this to kill two birds with one stone: protect myself from being burned again, and keep others from seeing how ugly I really am.
The honest truth is I am benefiting no one. I am not allowing God to use my testimony to help someone else or build relationships. My testimony is hideous and filled with so much pain. And because of my hiding my past I am very bitter. I carry a mountain on my shoulder, not a chip, a mountain.
I have spent years with a fortress surrounding me, I allow people to see what I want them to see and nothing else. It’s exhausting and limiting but I justify it as my tried and true method of defense.
So my challenge moving forward will be to turn off the autopilot I’m so used to switching on and just be myself. Spots and all.