Serving on empty, blaming everyone else for my problems, the bitterness, resentment, anger, frustration, loathing, grudge holding, shutting myself off from God, piling my plate too high with responsibilities and freaking out when it topples over….all of these things are so beyond negative. They are causing so much detrimental harm to every aspect of my life. And I’m sick of it.
My neck, shoulders, and back are where I hold my stress and all of my negative emotions. My knots have knots, and those knots have even more knots. I’m tense all the time and it just adds to my chronic pain. By choosing to hold in all of this stress and anger I am really harming myself more than anything the world could throw at me.
I have been serving on empty for too long now. Just one too many things piled way too high are causing me to say screw you to the world and ignore it all. But I can’t. As a leader I just can’t. I need to tear down the fasade I keep tightly placed in front of me and I need to be real. I need to face facts and handle reality like a mature adult who has to answer to people and be a genuine source of encouragement, compassion, and joy to her team. I can’t do that when I’m wallowing in agony and denial. It’s not possible.
The Lord says go to Him all who are weary and He will give us rest. I am weary, so weary, and so defeated but I feel I am too ugly and too far gone to cry out to Him.
This isn’t a fun place to be.