I had a mental breakdown yesterday. It might be because of the total lack of nutrients going to my brain or the fact that everything hit all at once. Comments were said to me on Sunday that made me feel like a total failure for battling an eating disorder again. I struggle with confiding in people because of the reactions I’ve received from people I’ve confided in in the past. And it happened again. It felt like a punch to the gut.
The sick and twisted thing is that it feels like an old friend has returned for a long visit. It almost feels comfortable, nostalgic even. But I know it’s a parasitic demon of a disease that needs to be dealt with once and for all.
Work stress, financial stress, not having God time, being completely starving, my paypal account being hacked, and then dealing with a 15 pound jackfruit all didn’t exactly help the sobbing mess I melted into while on the phone with my friend. He totally helped because he’s a smart level headed guy and then he made me laugh for a really long time. Which I desperately needed more than I realized.
Today I feel as if I haven’t slept in weeks and I’ve been fighting the demons inside my head all by myself. I’m tired of fighting. It’s depleting every aspect of my being. To quote an old literary friend, “I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.” And I’m sick of it. But I don’t know what to do to stop it. Therapy is too expensive, being hospitalized isn’t an option now that I’m a working adult. So I will silently suffer until I reach my breaking point. Taking supplements to offset the never eating can only carry a body so far. The difference with my disorder this time around is I don’t see even an inkling of light at the end of the tunnel.
And that’s terrifying me.