Hi 2020

Fully relying on the Lord seems like such a beautiful and fantastic thing that I just can’t seem to wrap my head around. Maybe it’s because I struggle with pride and the need for control. Maybe it’s because I give in to my anxious thoughts that if I hand the reigns over to Him who knows what might happen.

I can’t keep living in this pit of worldly despair and crippling anxiety. It’s not sustainable and quite frankly I am totally over it. I’m over the sleepless nights and the sickness caused by anxiety. It’s exhausting. It’s tiresome feeling like I need to have everything together all the time. I am not allowing God to be the driver of my life. I am trying to shove Him into the mold that makes sense to me. He can have control over certain aspects of my life but not all of it.

He stays where I tell Him to and that’s that. But that’s not okay. And that’s not what Christianity is all about. Christianity is a relationship, it is faith. It is having faith in the Lord in ALL things. It is relying in Him. It is trusting Him. It is believing that no matter what happens….God is in control. It’s not worrying about tomorrow because the Lord will provide. It isn’t restricting Him to certain places in my life and telling Him where He can be God. It’s handing it all over. Everything. My entire life. My entire heart. My feelings, emotions, worries, aspirations, it’s handing everything over to Him. It’s being honest about where my heart is. And right now it’s in a pretty ugly spot.

By handing over the reigns of my life I am not setting myself up for self sabotage and failure and a life full of misery and anxiety. It’s knowing that some days are gonna suck but hey that’s okay. It’s okay for bad things to happen. It’s okay for everyday to not go perfectly. I don’t need to try to have it all together all of the time. I just need to know that God is God. That He is Lord over my life. And I need to honor Him with my life. With my actions, decisions, thoughts, and everything that comes out of my mouth. He needs to be in the drivers seat of my life. There’s no reason to try to hold onto the control that is destroying my mental health. I would much rather follow Him and walk alongside of Him than shove Him where I think He belongs.

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